“Never say you can't write. The moment doubt creeps in, you're finished. Your mind builds invisible walls, and suddenly you're trapped in your own mediocrity”.

Pick a topic that "speaks to you." That's what they all say, isn't it? Pour your heart into it, let your emotions guide you. Make killers weep with your profound words. What utter nonsense.

Structure your thoughts, they preach. Make it digestible for the average reader. Because heaven forbid someone has to think while reading. Spoon-feed them your brilliance, wrapped in neat little packages of conventional wisdom.

Proofread obsessively. One typo and you're branded an incompetent hack. The grammar police are always watching, ready to revoke your writing license.

And here's their golden rule: Have fun! Writing should be an adventure, an escape, a magical journey through your imagination. Your passion will shine through, and your words will echo through eternity.

But here's the truth, you gullible sheep:

I'm laughing all the way to the bank, churning out this pretentious drivel while you frantically take notes. You're so desperate for guidance that you'll swallow any garbage wrapped in flowery language.

You think following someone else's formula will make you a writer? Pathetic. The world is drowning in cookie-cutter content created by mindless drones who couldn't form an original thought if their life depended on it.

Want to know the real secret? There isn't one. While you're here hunting for wisdom, real writers are out there creating, failing, and learning from their own mistakes. They're not waiting for permission or validation from self-proclaimed experts.

If you're still reading this, congratulations – you're exactly the kind of spineless conformist who keeps frauds like me in business. The world doesn't need another writing guide follower. It needs rebels, lunatics, and chaos-bringers who'll burn the rulebook and write their own destiny.

Now go ahead, bookmark this page. Add it to your collection of writing advice. Just remember: every second you spend studying someone else's path is another second you're not forging your own.