“I got you a gift.” 

That was all it took for my reflex to kick in. All it took for me to start running.

It all began nine months back. There she was, in brown. I can't even remember what she had on. I only know it was brown. She sat with her friends, quiet and in the least noticeable color, yet, somehow she was the only one that caught my eye. She looked meek, carried a beauty on her face that made a tensed man calm. Not the type that announces itself, rather one that slowly draws you in and keeps you locked – she still carries that beauty.

Ever since that day, she had been on my mind. I kept thinking of how to see that girl from the party, so imagine my shock when I saw her in school the next week as a new JUPEB student. What are the odds? I thought for weeks how to approach her because I can’t lie, if I was not strategic about it, whatever I said might have ended as a random conversation with some stranger rather than a friendship. I was not seeking a friendship but I knew she was not the type to be impressed so easily. 

Seven months ago, before I said my first words to her I was scared, nervous and a bit sweaty. You might wonder why, I mean it’s a girl and I was friends with many different girls. The truth is she is special. You see, I was never the type to be anxious for anything. I’m a typical “life must go on” type of guy. I made friends normally but still maintained my boundaries. I’m a guy’s guy, a bro. I also knew how to extract myself from things I considered useless. That kind of guy. So, when this girl caught my attention and invoked some feelings in me right on the spot, I knew it was a different situation.

After the first conversation we had, I thanked myself for approaching with tactic. I almost felt the kind of feelings poets talked about, the kind that’s not exactly easy to explain and the kind that is very rare for a guy like me. It was new, and I liked it. I made sure to slip my way into her life subtly from then on. 

It could be a random text from me, enquiring about something I did not need or responding to her with questions. It was also me teasing her or finding a way to be present around her. I myself never knew how good a strategist I am. Naturally, she started  to return the energy. I liked it whenever she did. I felt seen. 

You have to know, that I had made no mention of my feelings to her, not at all – no way. You see, as strongly as I feel towards her, I’m a man with my own issues. How I would have loved to come clean with her and express those poetic feelings to her, but I could not. I could not keep up. How could I draw her in, only for me to deprive her of time with me because I’m a busy man? I have to take care of so many bills. How could I draw her in, only for me to be unable to give her THE life  because my pocket cannot afford it? I work very hard, but it only covers so much. How could I draw her in, only for her to resent me later on for stealing her youth? How? 

So no, I did not confess, ever but even a blind man could tell how strong my feelings were for her. She herself must have known and I wanted that. I wanted her to know and feel the same - and I am sure she did. I liked the sparks, the unspoken words that lingered on our hearts, I liked the atmosphere it provided. I wished for it to remain that way, where we don’t owe each other anything, even though our hearts say otherwise. 

Also, it was nine-month program so I was not to blame for the fact that we would not be together in the way she hopes and that I secretly wished too. I liked the vibe, I really did. I had never been more excited about school, about life in general. There was a new kind of hope, new motivation for me to do things. I wanted to do better with my life. Life was good - until I saw the text at 2 a.m 

“I got you a gift.”

Why did she want to go further? Why did she want to ask me for things I could not afford to give? Why did she awaken my reflex to run? Why?