I was a happily single lady until my aunt declared a state of emergency on my love life and started sending me men like promotional flyers. The first was Brother Daniel from church. He told me he was “waiting on God” for a sign. After three months of chatting, praying and sharing Bible verses, the only sign I got was him getting engaged to someone else on Facebook. His caption read “When you know, you know.” I knew too. I knew I had wasted three months of eyeliner.

Next came Fitness Femi, the gym guy. He said he loved “natural women” and told me not to wear makeup on our first date. I arrived barefaced. He arrived late with a full beard spray painted sharper than my future. He spent the whole date advising me on how I could “tone up” my body. I ordered extra fries and a milkshake. If I was going to be insulted, I would be insulted on a full stomach.

Then there was Mr Vision Board. On our second date he brought a notebook and drew a five year plan that involved me quitting my job, moving to his city and raising four children who would all play the violin. I asked where my dreams fit in. He drew a tiny circle in the corner of the page and wrote “her hobbies”. I quietly drew an exit door and labelled it “me”.

By the time I met The Situationship, I was tired. He said he was “not ready for labels” but wanted husband benefits with ghosting privileges. He called me his “peace” but always brought storms. I finally found my backbone one rainy Tuesday and blocked him while eating jollof rice. My peace returned with extra seasoning.

Here is what I learned and what I tell every woman. Do not shrink yourself to fit into a man’s incomplete vision. If he keeps you a secret, keep your heart a fortress. If his words and actions do not match, believe his actions. You are not desperate. You are the prize. Love should not feel like an exam you are always failing. It should feel like coming home, not like begging at the gate.